Painting the Pig, or Palin in Comparison

Hark ye, take care, for a she-beast lurks these woods.

A she-beast with little rhetorical ability, less knowledge, and a frighteningly large following of people who obviously don't use the gray matter lodged between their blind eyes.

Sarah Palin makes me so mad that I don't even know where to begin!

For one, "feminist" my ass. Hillary may drive me crazy with her first-wave pantsuit feminism, but at least she thinks women should have reproductive rights. At least she knows what the Bush Doctrine is. At least she doesn't justify her social ideology with Biblical injunctions. At least she was smart enough to take on reporters and the public without having to be holed up somewhere studying lines about what it means to be vice president.

And people don't care! They don't care. They see a vagina marching towards the White House, and think, "Oh wow! A vagina! Gosh, aren't we progressive?"

These idiots don't realize that vaginas don't hold political views. (I should know. I have one. It is remarkably mute on foreign policy.) But brains have opinions, and brains, according to pop culture's militant (and let's just be honest, grossly outdated, simplistic and ultimately self-defeating, yet effective) feminism, are gender neutral. So, a brain with the intellectual and character limitations of Dubya does not make for a progressive vagina. In fact, it makes for a vagina that doesn't believe in its own right to health, safety and emotional well-being.

Or that of any other woman.

If people were to strip Palin of her sexuality, as feminism demands, they would see nothing but an ignorant honky bitch with the audacity and the narcissism to believe that all it takes to pull the U.S. out of its national and global mire is a few years as mayor of a town of 5,000 and not even one term as governor of a state with more bears than people. Her devout conviction that what this country needs is a straight-talking evangelical conservative who's "just like us" (as if we haven't tried that one before) belittles the fragile complexity of the United State's socio-economic and political condition, and soils the gorgeous ideals of democratic process written into our Constitution.

Secondly, the woman is just plain ignorant. If she was up to the task, the McCain campaign wouldn't be hiding her from the "un-deferential" press (again, who hears the dying cry of democracy in America?). They wouldn't be making her memorize canned lines about Islamic extremists. Quite frankly, if the McCain campaign was remotely confident in its ideology and its presidential candidate's ability to make persuasive arguments, they wouldn't be hiding him under the skirts of the honky bitch they have hiding from the press.

Thirdly, and I guess I should stop, because I could go on, Sarah Palin is a bad mom.
Yeah. I said it. Call my vagina sexist, but a mom who leaves her pregnant 17-year old and her newborn baby with Down Syndrome and her son in Iraq to the care of others while she plots her course for total annihilation of whatever possibility America had for political redemption is a bad mom. What she and so many anti-abortion activists forget is that motherhood is not just carrying a fetus or birthing a child. Motherhood is a life-long commitment to those beings you've flung into the world. Motherhood is working to give those beings safety, and comfort, and unconditional presence. Motherhood is staying the mother fucking course.

Don't run for vice-president as a feminist and a mom and an agent for change when you are none of those things.

Don't insult those of us who are one or two or all of those things.

Don't strip us of our bodily freedoms, and religious tolerance, and yearning for a resolution to the crises facing us, and tell us that you are just like us.

I will never be like you, Sarah Palin. You are everything I hate about America.