Like Lightening, I Strike so Quick

Several things irritated me today.

My co-worker, B---, whose bad moods cast a pall over his immediate environment, in which I often have the misfortune of being located. B---'s crankiness is a contagion that infects the rest of the "team" (let's pause to mock the corporate world's ironic and futile attempts to mimic natural social conditions). But my irritation runs deeper than that. I hate the sight of his squirrely face squinched up in type-A agony deep in the root of my being, in the churning seat of my passionate liver. I detest his narrow cranium and upturned-but-not-in-a-cute-way nose, his scrawny biker calves and his shaved head. Actually, B--- shaves off all of his hair, probably to elicit more speed from his already frenetic body. Being near him increases my blood pressure and induces murderous fantasies.

Oooh. Yes. B--- is numero uno in the day's irritations.

Number two would be my boss, also a B---. He's just fat, lazy and incompetent. I mean, really. Fat. Lazy. Incompetent. He also smokes, and while I accept people's freedom to engage in self-destructive habits (maybe his addiction is proof of natural selection working in our favor), it just adds to his grossness. There's nothing worse than a large smelly idiot giving you poor instructions for activities you can do quite well on your own.

To be fair, I tend to resent authority figures who are less educated than myself. Which is totally pretentious, I know (I mean, look at where all that schooling's brought me). Nevertheless I stand and listen to one B--- drone on, while the other B--- does his best impression of an angry human tornado, and I ponder the uselessness of my life. How did I reach this point? Why am I such a failure?

Being around the B---s is really bringing me down.

Since I'm targeting people for slander, let's move on to Hillary Clinton. She LOSES the primary race. She throws a completely illegitimate hissy fit about counting ballots that she'd previously promised not to be on. She actually courts votes based on racism and ignorance, and uses passe first-wave feminist rhetoric to woo women of a certain age. And now, when she could gracefully say, "I have run a phenomenal race. I am proud of myself, and disappointed by very narrow defeat. But it is time to unify the party and stand behind the winner," does she do so? No! Instead she makes incendiary remarks referencing the popular vote debacle in 2000, inferring a situational corollary between herself and the far more dignified Al Gore, and then announces her desire for the vice presidency. How, in the names of the founding fathers, can Obama now select a different running mate without provoking the ire of millions of Clinton supporters?

Who may comprise my final beef of the evening. All those people who say they'll sit this election out or grant victory to McCain--our jowly, war-mongering Republican contender--rather than vote for Obama? Yeah, they may be worse than the B---s. They're definitely worse than Clinton, although I think she encourages their behavior. They are so small-minded, so critically un-attuned to what is at stake in this race both domestically and for the U.S.'s global standing, that they are willing to relinquish their democratic IMPERATIVE (and I don't mean party, I mean political right) to vote. And that, imaginary readers, is really irritating. Think for a minute of all the Zimbabweans suffering state-sanctioned violence and the curtailment food and health aid right now because they deigned to elect a new leader. Why don't we do Mugabe a favor and send all of the Americans who don't want to vote there, and trade them for people who appreciate political privilege?

And let's send the B---s with them. Mugabe can have them.